30 days of joy - COMPLETED

Crazy as it may be but I did it. I actually completed my challenge. These past 30 days were rather interesting; A LOT has happened. It amazes me to look at these photos and reflect on how my month was spent and I have to say, God is a crazy God. This challenge came to me right before a certain reality hit and I really believe that God used this to prepare me to handle that. These past 30 days, I wouldn't say I spent them all joyfully but within each day, even the darkest ones, I was able to find light to keep me going. I think that's where the beauty lies. We live in a dark world and life is going to be tough. Our days will be hard and sometimes all you'll do is cry. God never promised that following Him would be easy but He did say it'd be worth it. Much of my month was spent in a darker place but it was His light that kept me going. There were love and hope to be found everywhere and since my challenge was to keep my eyes open for them, I wasn't able to close off my heart to them the way I would have. This made me realize that joy isn't hard to find; we make it hard, when we forget His promises, love and strength and just focus on how difficult life is. We were never asked to go through life alone but somehow we refuse to rely on him. We, or maybe it's just me, spend so much time trying to get by with our strength alone that we end up burning out which also led me to this challenge. It really helped me see how God's promises hold true. Maybe I won't be documenting my joys for the world to see from this point on but I hope through this challenge, my view (and hopefully others') on my day to day life will be changed. Joy and God's love isn't hiding from me, it's usually the opposite.

And just to end it off, a poem by the wonderful rmdrake:

"I made myself from all the photographs I never took, from all the love I never received and from all the moments that never happened. And it has been too real, it has been a beautiful struggle; one that has always reminded me of how easy it was to laugh."

My Strength is My Strength

I remember when my friend first sent me this poem, telling me that it reminded her of me. I was going through a really hard time, and to this day I can still honestly say that it was the worst season of my life. I was really honored by these words and the acknowledgement of my strength but I don't think I ever truly believed it. The words felt undeserving for someone like me. 

Strength isn't the first thing people would think of when they see me. I'm a very small person, I'm told I look like a child and for the most part of my life, I've only been treated as a delicate little thing. It's crazy to think that anyone would think of me as strong. 

And maybe it's crazy of me now, but I'm starting to believe them. Looking back at the 22 years that I lived, I have conquered a lot. 

I've willingly walked into many situations knowing that it will tear me apart and yet I still did so because I knew I had to. Some people find me impulsive, to even attempt to conquer the hardest paths (sometimes too soon). But today, I realized that sometimes you just have to. You never know when you'll need to face it and it's better to just get it over with. 

I've always wanted to be a princess or well, maybe just treated like one. I wanted to be loved well and taken care of and protected. It didn't have to be from a prince but everyone in my life. And I still want that but I also see how I was never meant for that life. I've been taught to stand up and fight for what I valued and I will never forget the day I realized I actually have that strength to. I learned how to give up everything I shielded myself with so that I can fight for those I love. And that strength, is worth more than everything I've lost.

Whenever people asked me "What do you like most about yourself?" I always had a hard time answering. It's not that I don't like who I am, I just don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. There's always something to do or someone to love and naturally I just push myself aside. But today I can proudly say that I love my strength. I love how I choose to walk into pain knowing that it will be worth it in the long run. I love how I can fight to protect and love myself, not needing anyone to do me that favor. And I love that I learned how to let go of my walls so that I can fight to love. 

This strength definitely doesn't come from me but I believe that God has made me this way. I truly believe that He has built it in my core to be able to withstand what I've gone through (given that He prepared and guided me all the way). I believe that He made me to fight like the warrior child that I am. And I'm absolutely in love with that. 

30 Days of Joy.

Do you ever get that feeling where your heart feels like its being torn apart and tears just fall from your eyes and you have no idea why? Well thats me...not all the time but sometimes. Sometimes its out of stress, sometimes its out of frustration and maybe more so recently, out of the uncertainties of life.

Not to write some sappy blog post after a year of being MIA but sometimes it be like that for me and I feel like my love tanks been running dangerously low these days. 

A doctor once said that if we view relationships as a shared bank account, we withdraw $5 every time a negative event occurs but we only deposit $1 for every positive event. Therefore, we should always try to create positive moments. This was meant for more of a romantic relationship context but I feel like it relates to our relationship with God as well. Many times 1 bad thing can happen to us on a really good day and all of a sudden the day is ruined and we completely forget all the blessings that came with the day. Ok maybe thats just me; I'm sadly someone who adds and withdraws very easily. 

So, I've decided to challenge myself to find my own moments or maybe even create them to deposit into this life/love bank of mine. I'm calling it my 30 days of joy and I hope to either capture or write down moments every day that fills my tank. Conveniently my friend gifted me with a new journal (that happens to be titled footprints..coincidence? I think not.) and I hope to fill it with the great things God has placed on this earth. There's always something to be thankful for, something to appreciate and something to remind us of His love for us. I want to remember those things and not drive myself nuts on the negatives. Maybe I'll share it with people, or maybe it'll be just for me. I'm starting this at a time of complete chaos, school is ending and finals week is creeping up and there are so many things I'm unsure of and though every part of me wishes to push this off til after I graduate, these are the moments I need it the most. Hopefully I'll be able to complete it. 

Winter's Been Over

I walked up to the door of my classroom and instead of walking in, I turned around and retraced my steps back to the bus stop I came from.

It was one of those nights.

There were thoughts processing in my head but I couldn't make sense of any of it. I knew I was thinking but I had no idea what I was thinking about. My heart knew, it felt stuffy and hurt a little, but my unconscious knew better than to allow me to comprehend those thoughts.

The bus brought me to the starbucks in my neighborhood; the sky had turned from a hazy blue to pitch black as the barista made my drink. The coffee shop was full of people and I couldn't find a seat anywhere. It was a cold night but I decided to sit outside; the hot cup of coffee felt nice in my icy hands. I sat there thinking about absolutely nothing, the silence felt good. I needed to get away from all the noise, whether its at school or home or even my annoying thoughts; I was finally alone and away from the world. It wasn't enough though, I was probably there for half an hour or less but my parents were expecting me to be home at a certain time. I was reluctant to leave but I finally got up, threw out my now empty cup and started walking home.

I always look up at the sky hoping to see stars when I'm out at night; I didn't see any that day but a tree caught my attention. It was fully bloomed with white blossoms that glowed like stars on a dark cloudless night. "Wow. Winter's been over," those words popped into my head. This spring has been so cold that I was still wearing the same things I wore all winter; jeans and sweaters, ugg boots and my grayish brown coat. Its not that I forgot the season changed but a part of me wasn't aware that spring had came because of the cold weather I was still experiencing. Seeing the tree full of blossoms, I realized that spring was already here; all I had to do was look up.

There are times in our lives where we feel stuck in a cold winter storm; lost under a pile of the snowy mess life decides to shower us with. We may try to get out but fail along the way and begin to mope in our failure. We lose hope that we can ever leave the situation that we're in. In psychology, that's called learned helplessness and I believe that is usually the reason why we're stuck in our storms. We start believing that our problems are too big to conquer and give up on trying altogether.

Pastor Carl Lentz compared life's problems to mountains in one of his sermons; sometimes, they really can be that big. He said that if we stand at the foot of the mountain and look directly at it, it will fill up our entire field of vision and all we can see is how big this mountain is. There's no end to what we're looking at and there is no hope in getting over it because we can't see a way to get to the other side. He said sometimes we get so caught up by the size of our mountains that we make the silly mistake of never looking up. When you look up, you'll see the vast sky above the mountain top; there is an end to these issues, there is a way of getting over it. God is so much bigger than our problems and all we have to do is turn to him for help. He'll take care of it... He'll take care of YOU. He promises to heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3), he promises to be our refuge and strength (Psalms 46:1). God is a man of his words; all we have to do is look to him for help.

There's hope when we look up and turn to God.
Sometimes, thats the only way we can tell that winter's been over.

Scars

I never actually expected them to make a mark.

I still remember the way the fresh wound looked on my skin, the way it stung; it wasn't a bad kind of pain, it was a kind that made me feel better. It was strange but all I could think of at the time was physical pain hurt a lot less than the ones I felt emotionally. It was an outlet, a desire to run away from life itself in the most ultimate way.

They looked like simple scratch marks that would fade in a few days, or maybe that’s just how I use to see them. But for a few years, they really did fade; I could no longer see the bright pink marks on my wrist. It was as if that portion of my past never existed. However, as time went by I realized that the scars were becoming more and more visible.

For a while, I avoided looking at them. They brought back memories of pain and who I use to be. I was ashamed of that person. The scars were just a permanent reminder of how crappy life was and how much I hated myself.

But that was before Jesus entered my life. My depression made me see him and helped me understand just how amazing he is. The scars took on a different meaning.

It's crazy how quickly we can forget the things we learn in life. Bad situations happen and we freak out, completely forgetting how we got through the prior crap. 

I randomly looked down at my wrist today and I saw the scars again. They look even more visible and it seems like more of them are starting to appear. It's funny how that works; the things we wish to hide always end up being revealed some way some how. Maybe this is the same concept with life.

As we live life, we go through countless experiences where we end up being hurt and wounded. We try to hide these scars by putting on masks in front of people, pretending as if everything is ok. We don't want to show our vulnerability to anyone, whether its out of pride or out of not wanting anyone to worry, we mold ourselves into this person who ultimately is very different from who we are on the inside. Our scars become more visible now than ever because we allowed it to change us. I've seen so many people become cynical and hardened by the hurt that others have caused them to feel. So many of them close themselves off to the world and some even to God.

I won't deny it, I'm one of those people. But today, looking at my scars, I was reminded of why they needed to be there. Had I not gone through all I had been through in the past, I don't know if I would come to understand and see Jesus the way I do today. My experiences made it possible for me to feel his love and the scars on my wrist reminded me of just that. I no longer remember the stories, the reasons behind each scar but I do remember what it brought me to and how I'm no longer ashamed of them.

I am covered in fresh new scars and for the longest time I tried to keep them hidden by hardening myself. The way we interpret these bad things in life greatly affects the way we handle life. Its so easy to get caught up in the mess and forget just how much God loves us. These things don't happen because he wants to see us suffer; he's making use of a bad situation to help us grow stronger in Him. He wants us to rely on him, to turn to him, to speak to him when we're having a hard time. He wants us to find our strength and hope in him. Just like how he carried us through all the crap in the past, he will do so again with the crap in our present and in the future as well. We may not understand why things are happening the way they are right now but everything will fall into place in due time, we just have to believe and trust Him. When we allow these scars to take on its true meaning, we can finally stop tormenting ourselves and be the person God has created us to be.

Loopholes to God's words

As a kid, I was taught that lying is bad...just like every other kid. So instead of flat out lying, I would bend the truth or even leave out parts of it. I can't be considered a liar if I didn't make anything up right?

Then I came to Christ and I was taught that lying is a sin and it makes God unhappy. I was set on avoiding situations in which I needed to lie. I must say though situations do come up where I can't be completely honest so I did the same thing as I did as a kid, I bend the truth or just leave out some parts.

But as I started learning more about who God is and maturing more myself, I began to realize that even though my words technically aren't lies, my heart was full of deceit. When I bend the truth or even when I decide to leave out certain parts of them, my desire is to deceive the person whom I'm speaking to and God sees that. There's no way to hide our heart's intentions from God, he sees beyond the surface.

There was this one discussion I sat through and we were asked what would we do if someone came in demanding all christians to stand up and step on the bible; if we didn't, then we'd be killed. One guy said "I don't know..the bible is just a book; its not a symbol of God that we worship" (something around those lines). It's true, the bible is just a book; we don't worship it. Other religions have statues and animals and other things which are sacred to them and they worship them but we have a direct relationship with our God and by no means do we ever worship the bible in his place. (Don't get me wrong, the bible is definitely an important book, I'm just saying its not interchangeable with God himself) However, in that situation what is the real intention for stepping on the bible? Is it not because of our fear of death?

So many times I feel people try to find loopholes to God's words. He tells us not to lie so we circle around different things to avoid actually lying. He tells us not to steal and we come up with a million reasons why downloading music is right. He tells us to love others and we can come up with thousands of justifications for being unloving. Yeah the words that come out of our mouth sounds right and I guess it can justify things...but God sees the heart. He sees how we're trying to deceive, he sees our lack of faith in him, our willingness to betray him once things go wrong.

By no means am I trying to condemn anyone, I guess my point is that there are no loopholes to the bible. God tells it to you straight what he wants, he wants us to let go of our past selves and be reborn in him..reflecting who Christ is. There's no way for us to look into God's words and try to find a way to continue living the lives that we led prior to accepting Christ...it just doesn't exist.

He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts" - Luke 16:15 

Walking with God

This blog post carries no lesson, no actual message but simply just a description of my (literal) walk with God today.

If you know me or read my testimony post (somewhere down there) you'll know that I had depression before. During that time period, a friend of mine told me that taking walks make you feel happier because there are antidepressants in the soil. Now, I don't know how true that is (being that it came from a middle schooler at the time) and I never bothered to check because from that day on whenever I have a hard time, I really do feel better after a walk.

As a kid, a walk was a walk. It just made me feel better and it clears my head. But after coming to Christ, its no longer simply a walk for me. My walks are times where I truly quiet myself and just bask in God's presence. I truly believe that God's fingerprints are everywhere; the sky, the trees, everything; if you were to really look, you can see just how beautifully they all come together.

I've been having a hard time recently and I've been wanting to go to Fort Totten for a while now for Quiet Time so I finally decided that I'd go today. I had this whole picture of what I would be doing there, I was going to sit on that rock pathway and just read the bible and meditate on everything that God is doing. So I hopped on a bus and 1.5 hours later the bus driver said "last stop, fort totten" so I got off the bus. "This is not Fort Totten" was the first thought that came to my mind. The last time I took the bus here was a few years ago and the bus literally dropped you off right by that rock pathway you see in my photo. But here I am standing in front of a street with a million houses surrounding me; that was when I saw a sign saying Fort Totten Park and followed it.

I walked in through the entrance of the park which I remember being right next to the rock pathway but I couldn't find the pathway anywhere (it was covered by construction stuff and I completely missed it) and I had no idea where the bus back home was because I half followed the sign and half just walked wherever my feet guided me to. My phone was also running low on battery. It was actually quite crazy but for some reason I was calm the entire time. From getting lost to not knowing how to get home to even the fact that my phone may just die on me before I find my way home; I was completely at peace.

This place was beautiful. I took so many pictures but none of them can do it justice. My pictures couldn't capture the beauty of the autumn sun shining down on the trees and the golden glow that surrounded me. The warmth of the sun felt like a nice big hug, it felt so comforting as if God was saying "its ok I'm right here." I kept walking and stopping to take pictures until I found these benches behind this fire department area and sat down to read. The wind was picking up and the pages just flipped to Matthews 14 and the first thing I saw was "Jesus walks on water" This was quite amazing to me because I've been obsessed with the song "Oceans" by Hillsong recently and its about this passage. Both the song and the passage has been bringing me a lot of comfort because of how well it relates to my struggles.

Although my QT turned out much different from what I had expected, from the second I got there I knew God had planned it all out. If I were able to sit on those rocks or freaked out about getting lost and my phone dying and just went home; I would've missed out on what I had experienced today. I left there with a lightened heart, joy and peace.

I must say though the next time I do this, I must bring a jacket and a spare battery. I was FREEZING.

The Two Faces of Pride

Pride has always been that sin that completely irks me. Not that the other ones don't bother me but I think I'm just a lot more sensitive towards this particular one. I don't know why but when people start talking about how amazing they are or how much more deserving they are in comparison to others, something inside of me just feels weird (and highly annoyed..).

It's something I never really understood, why do I feel that way, and since it doesn't really affect me loving these people, I never cared too much about it. But I think in the recent years, I started to understand why pride bothers me so much. 

I do a lot of talking to people, its one of the reasons why I want to be a counselor psychologist. The conditions of people's heart matters to me and I tend to be drawn to those who are troubled or struggling with something. I've witnessed a lot of fights and people telling me what they hate about the person they're fighting with and ironically its always something that they themselves struggle with (not that they know that or are willing to acknowledge). I don't want to generalize it and be like everyone's this way but from what I've seen, most of the time the thing people hates about others is the sin that they struggle with themselves.

And with that theory, I've come to realize why pride bothers me so much. I am a really prideful person. It's weird to say because I am someone who is very hard on myself and I usually belittle myself more so than brag about how amazing I am. Which is why I named this post "The Two Faces of Pride". Pride doesn't always have to be about thinking you're better or other people are horrible compared to you. Its also you not being able to humble yourself, being falsely humble and not allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Pride is basically you putting yourself as the center of everything. 

I'll be honest, false humility is something I struggle with...a lot. For those of you who don't know what that is, its basically just you belittling yourself and thinking everyone's better/more deserving than you. It sounds like the farthest thing from pride right? I thought so too but I've come to realize that false humility is simply another form of pride. It stems from you constantly thinking about yourself and overemphasizing on what you've done wrong. My friend quoted this guy and he said "humility isn't thinking less of yourself, its thinking of yourself less."

I don't know about you guys but I also struggle with not willing to be vulnerable. It's kind of like how most guys feel like they have to be macho and tough and not show their weaknesses...for some strange reason I'm kind of like that too. Especially around those whom I have issues with, I never want them to see my weak side. Thats mainly because I don't want them to feel like they can affect me or even hurt me, that I'm stronger than they think and I don't want them to have the satisfaction of seeing me break down. Everything in that statement was about me and how I feel and how I want to appear to others, pride is just that. When you look at yourself and are so focused on you...no matter what form that is shown, its pride.

Pride can come in so many different forms, it can even appear to be humble. But God sees the heart, even if we try to mask our pride with false humility, he'll know. I think with that its always important to remember to see ourselves the way God does. Jesus didn't die just for you and not for the person you "dislike". He died for the both of you, equally. You're not any better or worse, you're loved all the same. To be truly humble is to put yourself on equal grounds and willingly with joy placing yourself below others to serve them. That doesn't mean you should treat yourself like trash but simply to think of others first and serve the way Jesus did. After all we are called to reflect his image. 

Peace

"In what ways is serving the Lord difficult for you?"

My sunday school leader asked us this question as they finished up the book of Joshua. I didn't get to go through the book with them and my knowledge of the bible is quite limited (even more so when it comes to old testament) so I can't tell you what happened with Joshua but I can share with you my own thoughts and hopefully they can bring you some encouragement. 

The most difficult thing about serving God to me is that sometimes it means you have to stand alone. Non-christians may persecute you, they might think you're crazy or blinded by religion. Sometimes even your brothers and sisters may question you. Everyone has a different calling and sometimes what God tells you may be different from what others expect of you. This can cause a lot of discouragements and disagreements and if its handled poorly, even broken relationships. It can be a rather painful situation to be in. 

But God will never leave your side. 

When you choose God, this peace and joy will overcome you. I don't know if its the same for you guys but for me I can literally feel it coming from deep inside my heart. That was when I finally realized how shallow suffering really is. I have always been someone whose emotions are strongly connected to my heart; so when I'm sad my heart would feel sad and if I was angry it would feel like a fire raging. This time I can literally feel the depth of peace and joy in my heart compared to the negative emotions. Maybe you're not crazy like me and feel emotions the way I do but God will definitely grant you with peace. Don't give in to the negative feelings and allow his peace to overcome you. 

God is worth the fight; so don't give up and don't forget you're never alone. He will always be with you, helping you and guiding you through every obstacle. All we gotta do is let him in. Keep fighting the good fight! 

Heart of Worship

I've been a part of my church's praise team for a few years now. Its sad to say but I've only come to realize that I worship very differently on stage than I do off this year.

Being the prideful perfectionist that I am, when I'm on stage I tend to focus on sounding right; getting the words right, the notes and if God forbids my leader decides to give me a solo...getting the beat right. I'm so distracted that I forget why I'm even up there to begin with; what being a part of the worship team really meant. It's not like I don't know God is the main focus of it all but somehow my subconscious made it all about me. "What do they think, how do I sound..." I'm singing but I'm not worshiping. 

When I'm alone, I don't have to worry about anything. I can sing the wrong lyrics and clap to the wrong beat, anything and it wouldn't matter (well it would but at least no one else would be there). I can focus on God and the meaning behind the lyrics that I'm singing. They become my prayers to Him (especially when they put my current thoughts/feelings into words). My heart would feel the words that I'm singing, they become real. That is when my heart is truly in a heart of worship. 

(A song that always strikes me whenever I hear it is Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets. I don't know if you will be able to relate to it the way I have but its my prayer to God every time I sing it.)

Now that I know where I'm lacking, I'm trying to worship the way I would when I'm off stage. It feels great to worship God my way on and off stage. My leader usually sends us his set a day or two before our practice so I'm trying to learn how to digest the songs and not see it as just a song that I need to sing well. Praise songs aren't like regular songs because they're for God. I want to fully understand what I'm singing and convey that message to those sitting in the audience. Our worship should be more than just a song. I'll still try to sound the best that I can but that no longer will be my main focus. Skill matters but what is skill without the heart when it comes to worship? I'm sure he'll still love me and understand how I feel despite my mess ups.

Obligation

People have always told me how God's work should never be an obligation or even a burden.

They're right. 

We should serve God with joy in our hearts and love for what we do for his kingdom. But I can honestly say I only know about a handful of people who serves with joy. There are times where I feel burdened by the things I've done or am doing right now. How did something so joyful become a joysucking job? 

Most people point at the person and call them out for their lack of passion. Maybe its true and that person has yet to figure out how great of a job God has placed in our hands; how important of a job and amazing it is that we're even allowed to contribute a little bit of ourselves to serve his kingdom. Maybe the person still needs to understand that. But maybe, the leaders are also setting up this "you're obligated" environment for those who serve under them. 

I've seen it so often how leaders would tell their members to serve with joy and don't do it for the wrong reasons. But when some members decide that they will not take part in certain things, guilt tripping automatically comes into play. Sometimes people's walks are even questioned (sounds extreme, I know, but its happened). No matter what these members have done before or sacrificed for God, this one time "no" becomes something used to question their walks. How would that make your members serve with joy? Leaders probably justify it as "I'm encouraging them to act with God in mind" but I see members act to shut their leaders up much more often. 

I understand how difficult it is to want something to be done and people just don't want to do it. But I think there's a clear difference between encouraging and flat out manipulating. Priority, I believe is something that most people gotta figure out for themselves and we can give them a nice gentle push towards the right direction from time to time but it should never be forced. 

To those serving the Lord out there, I hope we will all remember that God deserves our time and efforts. Nothing is greater than he and doing his work should be up there on our priorities list. But that should also happen with a genuine heart. Most of us know what we need to do or what we "should" be doing but when we do these things without a sincere heart, our intentions for doing them is literally because its a "christian thing to do". 

"It is not what you do as a Christian that determines who you are; it is who you are that determines what you do." -Victory Over Darkness by Neil Anderson 

Stuck

Have you ever been in a place where you just felt stuck? Things are going wrong in life and you have no idea where to turn or who to go to. Somehow more and more things seem to be messing up and the ditch you're stuck in just gets deeper and deeper. Even for those of us who know God's there find it hard to turn to him when we're stuck in a deep ditch.

So what do you do? Are you trying to find the way out? Or are you just sitting there moping? Quite honestly I mope a lot. But I know the solutions out there. Sometimes the answer isn't obvious at all, sometimes it's not even the answer we wanted but it's there. And trust me, his answer will always be better than whatever we could think of. We just gotta trust that God will reveal it to us when the time is right.

I know I know it's a lot easier said than done. But if we hold on to our belief, if we just hold on to God during these rough times... Things will surely get better. He will never leave us, let alone when we're dying inside some dark depressed ditch. He will carry us out and heal our broken hearts. There's no greater comfort than the one from God, I guarantee that.

It's not easy to rely on God since we're taught to handle things on our own. So let's learn to hold onto God right now, together. Let the comfort of knowing he has great plans to come after this nasty storm fill us with peace. Let us trust and rely fully on God, together.

Identity in Christ

"Have you ever cried yourself to sleep at night thinking you're inadequate and wish to be somebody else?"

My church's college fellowship is studying a book called Victory Over Darkness and that was one of the questions asked by the author.

I'm sure most of us have been through a time in our lives in which we have felt worthless. Sometimes people might say hurtful things and we buy into it. Or sometimes we lie in bed thinking about all our failures and feel incompetent. Sometimes we may feel like we're not good enough, pretty enough, successful enough...etc. It just never ends. A lot of things in life can lead us to feel..well..like crap.

And the reason is? Society has it made so we believe our worth comes from what we possess in life; whether its outer beauty, achievements, material possessions, or even relationships. Society has made it so that even certain personality traits are valued more than others. Those who possess more outgoing and well spoken traits are obviously valued above those who aren't. That's just how the world is.

But is that how the world should be? Or was even created to be?

satan made it so that we would buy into these lies. It keeps nagging in the back of our heads every time we seem to lack something or when we fail at doing something until one day thats all we tend to see about ourselves. The thing that is destroying most of us inside out are lies. Nothing but complete false ideas. God would never look at you and say "You lack all these things and that's why I don't love you as much." We're more precious to him than anything in the world. He loves us despite our sin; nothing in the world can make him love us less if he can love us despite all the crap that we do. Not one sin is better than the other, therefore not one person can be more of a sinner than the other. He asked those who are rich to give up all they own to follow him. He doesn't find our riches impressive at all, all that we possess don't leave earth anyways but they do sometimes, oftentimes, get in the way of us following him. Those who wish to have other's traits; God created all of us to be different parts of the body. Each and every part need each other to function. If we were all to possess the same traits, nothing can be done, there would be only one job in the world.

We gotta start looking at ourselves with God's standards. Yes, we will mess up from time to time and it will be disappointing on our part but God forgives us and we need to too. Don't beat yourself up over the things that God has already forgiven you for.

God doesn't create junk. Each and everyone of us are his masterpieces. It's time to stop believing in lies but see ourselves for who we really are, the precious children of God.

Note to Self: Rely and Trust

"Why in the world does God think I can handle this right now?"

This thought pops into my head countless times a week. There's constantly something going wrong and so much needs to be done yet there's never enough time.

I just don't get it, he created me, he should know by now that I can't handle any of these situations.

But thats the thing, he never expected us to. (atleast not alone) Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Our strength comes from God, we need to rely on him to get through these obstacles. We live in a broken world, things will always go wrong but the reason why we get overwhelmed and worn out isn't because we're given more than we can handle, its the fact that we keep trying to do something we were never asked to do on our own.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Trust and rely on God with every situation you're going through, he will protect you and bring you peace. 

Safe Haven

Think back to when you were a child.

What did you do when you heard a scary noise in the middle of the night? 

I'm pretty sure most of us (if not all) would answer "hide under the blankets". 

That place between our blanket and bed somehow brought us comfort and security, it was our safe haven.

I don't know if I'm the only one that does this but I tend to categorize the different areas of my life (ex. home life, school life..etc.) When things get rough at one of the areas, I turn to another to find comfort. Freshman year, I was going through a lot of problems at Stony so I looked for peace and comfort within my home church. When things got rough at home, I built up a safe haven at school. I'm constantly running away from one thing by hiding within another. It worked for a while, that is, until God made me realize what I was doing. 

Some of us are so preoccupied with finding a physical kind of comfort on earth that we fail to realize that God has already built us a safe haven...within himself. He's the ultimate comforter and I can guarantee that you will never find anything more comforting than him. God is always right next to us, ready to protect and love us. Yet we as humans love taking matters into our own hands. Some of us run away from our issues, constantly seeking for a new place to dwell so we won't have to go through any discomfort (or pain). Some of us fight to the death to protect ourselves (we find security within ourselves) but end up hurting people in the process. We do all these crazy things to find peace, security, and comfort when really God was ready to provide us with all of that from the start. 

These safe havens that we build up on earth, whether its in ourselves or in other people, makes us blind to what God has in store for us. And sometimes it takes the taking away of all of our safe havens for us to realize that we've always had the ultimate one. What it all comes down to is, are you willing to come out of that blanket and let God protect you instead? 

QOTD: Abortion

I am not trying to offend anyone with this question, it's just a random thought that popped into my head today. I am pro-life though, for those who may be wondering. 

I remember someone telling me how pro-choice people believe that before a certain period of time or even before birth, the baby inside a woman's womb isn't considered life. What I'm wondering is, if a pro-choice person were to suffer a miscarriage during that period of time, would it be contradicting for them to mourn over the loss of their child?

Someone (a pro-choice person that I know) said it wouldn't be because when someone chooses to have a child, they expect the thing in their stomach to form into a baby and they can picture the life that it will become, and that's why they mourn when its lost. But that statement came off very confusing to me because then wouldn't the deciding factor of whether its life or not depend on whether we want it to be life or not? But then how can we consider one pregnancy to be life and another not?

Pharisees

A pharisee to me is someone who appears christian but their actions speak otherwise. The definition I found online states "A hypocritically self-righteous person." I think its about the same thing, they're basically hypocrites. 

Not many things in life can actually make me angry to a point where my heart is in so much discomfort but this...this pisses me off. Before you start thinking "oh you're being a hypocrite, you're hating on them, God calls us to love..etc." My anger really has nothing to do with the people but everything to do with the action. I even get mad at myself for the same things some times. So don't worry, I don't think they're bad people nor do I hate them.

What bothers me the most about modern day pharisees is pretty much summed up with the cartoon up there. These people try to portray this image of being a "perfect" christian. They go to church every sunday, talk to all their friends about Jesus, pray before every meal and snack and drink and...piece of candy. They're probably serving God as a leader somewhere.

But these very people are also the ones who go out and bully the gays. They're the ones who go up to people and tell them they're going to burn in hell. They're the ones who think its ok to act on God's behalf and punish those who sin. These are the very people who claim to love God and yet they're the very reason why other people don't want anything to do with Him.

I went to a conference last year and we were told to go out and outreach to people we meet on the streets. My team and I met this guy outside of our hotel. He was just sitting there in the cold so we bought him some hot soup and talked to him about Jesus. He had this sense of anger in his voice when he said "the reason why I don't want to believe in God is because of how messed up the history of Christianity is..think about the crusades, why would I want to be a part of that?"

It breaks my heart to know that christians are the very reason why people detest God. The crusades happened so long ago and yet the consequences of their unloving actions are affecting people to this day. It's not fair to Him. God didn't do anything wrong, we're the ones who do bad yet everything we do reflects who he is. We really are his ambassadors. Us, as christians, represent God on this earth (we're NOT God though). Our unloving actions really can affect the way others view Christ. I'm not saying we all need to act as perfect as we can. We're not perfect, we're human and we will sin. God knows that and he forgives us. But what I am saying is that we should strive to live and love the way God wants us to. It's not easy, people can be so un-loveable sometimes but this is what God has called each and everyone of us to do.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 

                                                                          -1 Corinthians 13:1-3

The problem with some christians today is we claim to be doing all these things for God. But if we forget to include LOVE in the equation, can we really say its what God wanted us to do? He called us to love people, even those who are different from us. He loves us all the same and he wants us to love people in that way too. A genuine love and concern for the people in this world. Billy Graham put it really well when he said this "It is God's job to judge, Holy Spirit's job to convict and my job to love." Let God do his part, and let us focus on ours.

"We love because he first loved us. If anyone says "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

                                                                        -1 John 4:19-21

Lesson of my Life: Count Your Blessings

I like to believe that I'm a simple person but as I try to figure out myself more and more...I realize I'm quite complicated. I'm quite insecure, I feel loved easily but at the same time I lose that sense of love just as quickly. It's a constant battle for me to remain joyful in all situations.

I seem to find myself stuck in the same situations over and over. I feel like God is trying to teach me something and because I didn't quite learn it the first time, he's giving me the same problem again so I can learn to solve it the second time. As I analyze and evaluate my fleeting emotions, I realized the problem has always been me being unable to count my blessings. The little struggles in my life always seem to outweigh the great blessings God has given me. 

God calls us to rejoice no matter what we're going through, struggles mold us into the great beings God has created us to be and blessings are given to us by God's grace. He won the battle, gave up his son for us...what do we have to complain about? What is it about life that makes us so unsatisfied when he has already paid the ultimate price? This is a lesson I'm still struggling to learn but I hope this post serves as a constant reminder to always count our blessings because God surely blessed us more than what we think we've suffered through. 

Lesson of the day: faith

As you know, I applied to transfer to Queens College last month. I know it takes 8 weeks for them to tell me whether I got in or not but I was really hoping that I can see whether all my documents were received by them. I signed in on the site and somehow I stumbled upon the deadline to apply for Fall 2013 and it was February 2nd. So basically I applied late. I freaked out for a few seconds and all these thoughts came in my head. What happens if I don't get in? What if I have to take the semester off? What do I do? But right when I started to get scared, I remembered the story of Peter walking on water. A gust of wind blew and he got scared and almost fell in. "You of little faith" thats exactly whats happening to me right now. I'm walking on water trusting that this is what God wants me to do, a little obstacle comes my way and I got scared and questioned God's ability.

We fail to realize during these struggles that if God brings you to it, he will surely bring you through it. He's not just gonna let you blindly go on your own, He will provide everything you need to get there. All you have to do is...believe.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:6-7

I Surrender

"All to you, I surrender 

Everything, every part of me

All to you, I surrender

All of my dreams, all of me

No turning back, I made up my mind

I'm giving all of my life this time

Your love makes it worth it all."

You know that feeling you get, when you're so sure that God is calling you to do something extremely outrageous and you've been questioning it for the longest time...well that happened to me this past week.

Since freshman year I've been thinking about transferring to a different school. All for the wrong reasons of course but the thought was there nonetheless. This year, it was brought up again...transferring to a school closer to home. I wasn't for the idea at all, in fact I didn't even give it time to sink in, I was convinced that God wants me to stay where I am at right now. There were a lot of things I really wanted to do with my fellowship here, there are people I really came to love here..I mean I finally came to a point where I was willing to break certain comfort zones so I can be a light for my campus...why would God want me to leave right when I was just starting to make progress?

But here's the thing, Stony became a comfort zone. My faith was comfortable here, even though I thought I was being challenged, everything that I do here doesn't require much any faith at all. It may seem like it on the outside but I know in my heart that even the comfort zones that I break at Stony Brook is within my comfortable boundary. It was nothing compared to stuff I was running away from. It was an escape and for the longest time now, I really didn't want to acknowledge that.

I kept asking God for an answer, a CLEAR answer. One that would just slap me in the face, do you want me to stay or do you want me to go? I kept asking and begging but my own desire blurred out the answer God had already given. Finally during my spring break, God made it clear to me how I'm too comfortable at Stony and how I've been running away from situations I didn't want to face by going there. I know for a fact that he wants me to transfer and I made up my mind about it too but even up until the very last minute I asked God for a sign.

The night I wanted to apply for the transfer, I wasn't able to get on the site. Idk I think the site has work hours to it or something but it told me to come back an hour later a million times so I told God if this is really his will, make the website work whenever I remember to fill out the application tomorrow. I randomly remembered the next day, went on the website and whatdoyaknow...it worked.

Quite honestly, I'm still not too happy about the transferring thing. I'm sad about having to leave IV, I'm sad about having to leave my suitemates, all the freshmans I really wanted to get to know and all the friendships I made here. I am really upset about it but something in my heart is so sure that this is what God wants. For the first time in my life, I am 100% positive about something God wants and that reassurance is keeping me going. Not many people support my decision and even though that bothers me, it gives me even more strength to fight because I know this is what God wants. I finally get to understand what people mean by God makes you do outrageous things that sometimes even the people closest to you wouldn't understand.

This song started randomly playing today and I felt so comforted by the lyrics. I'm not transferring because of other people or because I want to run away, my reason is actually God and God alone. For the first time, I feel it in my heart that God is all I'm relying on right now and I'm basically giving everything I have to follow him.

This may just be the first time I'm surrendering all control...everything... and stepping out in faith alone. 

"No Turning Back, I made up my mind, I'm giving all of my life this time"