I Surrender

"All to you, I surrender 

Everything, every part of me

All to you, I surrender

All of my dreams, all of me

No turning back, I made up my mind

I'm giving all of my life this time

Your love makes it worth it all."

You know that feeling you get, when you're so sure that God is calling you to do something extremely outrageous and you've been questioning it for the longest time...well that happened to me this past week.

Since freshman year I've been thinking about transferring to a different school. All for the wrong reasons of course but the thought was there nonetheless. This year, it was brought up again...transferring to a school closer to home. I wasn't for the idea at all, in fact I didn't even give it time to sink in, I was convinced that God wants me to stay where I am at right now. There were a lot of things I really wanted to do with my fellowship here, there are people I really came to love here..I mean I finally came to a point where I was willing to break certain comfort zones so I can be a light for my campus...why would God want me to leave right when I was just starting to make progress?

But here's the thing, Stony became a comfort zone. My faith was comfortable here, even though I thought I was being challenged, everything that I do here doesn't require much any faith at all. It may seem like it on the outside but I know in my heart that even the comfort zones that I break at Stony Brook is within my comfortable boundary. It was nothing compared to stuff I was running away from. It was an escape and for the longest time now, I really didn't want to acknowledge that.

I kept asking God for an answer, a CLEAR answer. One that would just slap me in the face, do you want me to stay or do you want me to go? I kept asking and begging but my own desire blurred out the answer God had already given. Finally during my spring break, God made it clear to me how I'm too comfortable at Stony and how I've been running away from situations I didn't want to face by going there. I know for a fact that he wants me to transfer and I made up my mind about it too but even up until the very last minute I asked God for a sign.

The night I wanted to apply for the transfer, I wasn't able to get on the site. Idk I think the site has work hours to it or something but it told me to come back an hour later a million times so I told God if this is really his will, make the website work whenever I remember to fill out the application tomorrow. I randomly remembered the next day, went on the website and whatdoyaknow...it worked.

Quite honestly, I'm still not too happy about the transferring thing. I'm sad about having to leave IV, I'm sad about having to leave my suitemates, all the freshmans I really wanted to get to know and all the friendships I made here. I am really upset about it but something in my heart is so sure that this is what God wants. For the first time in my life, I am 100% positive about something God wants and that reassurance is keeping me going. Not many people support my decision and even though that bothers me, it gives me even more strength to fight because I know this is what God wants. I finally get to understand what people mean by God makes you do outrageous things that sometimes even the people closest to you wouldn't understand.

This song started randomly playing today and I felt so comforted by the lyrics. I'm not transferring because of other people or because I want to run away, my reason is actually God and God alone. For the first time, I feel it in my heart that God is all I'm relying on right now and I'm basically giving everything I have to follow him.

This may just be the first time I'm surrendering all control...everything... and stepping out in faith alone. 

"No Turning Back, I made up my mind, I'm giving all of my life this time"