My Strength is My Strength

I remember when my friend first sent me this poem, telling me that it reminded her of me. I was going through a really hard time, and to this day I can still honestly say that it was the worst season of my life. I was really honored by these words and the acknowledgement of my strength but I don't think I ever truly believed it. The words felt undeserving for someone like me. 

Strength isn't the first thing people would think of when they see me. I'm a very small person, I'm told I look like a child and for the most part of my life, I've only been treated as a delicate little thing. It's crazy to think that anyone would think of me as strong. 

And maybe it's crazy of me now, but I'm starting to believe them. Looking back at the 22 years that I lived, I have conquered a lot. 

I've willingly walked into many situations knowing that it will tear me apart and yet I still did so because I knew I had to. Some people find me impulsive, to even attempt to conquer the hardest paths (sometimes too soon). But today, I realized that sometimes you just have to. You never know when you'll need to face it and it's better to just get it over with. 

I've always wanted to be a princess or well, maybe just treated like one. I wanted to be loved well and taken care of and protected. It didn't have to be from a prince but everyone in my life. And I still want that but I also see how I was never meant for that life. I've been taught to stand up and fight for what I valued and I will never forget the day I realized I actually have that strength to. I learned how to give up everything I shielded myself with so that I can fight for those I love. And that strength, is worth more than everything I've lost.

Whenever people asked me "What do you like most about yourself?" I always had a hard time answering. It's not that I don't like who I am, I just don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. There's always something to do or someone to love and naturally I just push myself aside. But today I can proudly say that I love my strength. I love how I choose to walk into pain knowing that it will be worth it in the long run. I love how I can fight to protect and love myself, not needing anyone to do me that favor. And I love that I learned how to let go of my walls so that I can fight to love. 

This strength definitely doesn't come from me but I believe that God has made me this way. I truly believe that He has built it in my core to be able to withstand what I've gone through (given that He prepared and guided me all the way). I believe that He made me to fight like the warrior child that I am. And I'm absolutely in love with that. 

30 Days of Joy.

Do you ever get that feeling where your heart feels like its being torn apart and tears just fall from your eyes and you have no idea why? Well thats me...not all the time but sometimes. Sometimes its out of stress, sometimes its out of frustration and maybe more so recently, out of the uncertainties of life.

Not to write some sappy blog post after a year of being MIA but sometimes it be like that for me and I feel like my love tanks been running dangerously low these days. 

A doctor once said that if we view relationships as a shared bank account, we withdraw $5 every time a negative event occurs but we only deposit $1 for every positive event. Therefore, we should always try to create positive moments. This was meant for more of a romantic relationship context but I feel like it relates to our relationship with God as well. Many times 1 bad thing can happen to us on a really good day and all of a sudden the day is ruined and we completely forget all the blessings that came with the day. Ok maybe thats just me; I'm sadly someone who adds and withdraws very easily. 

So, I've decided to challenge myself to find my own moments or maybe even create them to deposit into this life/love bank of mine. I'm calling it my 30 days of joy and I hope to either capture or write down moments every day that fills my tank. Conveniently my friend gifted me with a new journal (that happens to be titled footprints..coincidence? I think not.) and I hope to fill it with the great things God has placed on this earth. There's always something to be thankful for, something to appreciate and something to remind us of His love for us. I want to remember those things and not drive myself nuts on the negatives. Maybe I'll share it with people, or maybe it'll be just for me. I'm starting this at a time of complete chaos, school is ending and finals week is creeping up and there are so many things I'm unsure of and though every part of me wishes to push this off til after I graduate, these are the moments I need it the most. Hopefully I'll be able to complete it.