All About God

The semester started 3 days ago here in Stony Brook. I've reverted back to student mode and nothing feels different. Everything is the same as it was last semester, my suite mates are still just as awesome and lively, my desk is still acting as my study cave, I'm still sitting here attempting to study and yet getting distracted every 5 seconds. Nothing's changed...but that just might be the problem.

For the past 3 semesters, my daily life consisted of waking up late, going to class (sometimes), eating, hanging out with friends, napping, IV and studying. Where was God in all of this? When I prayed for my meal? When I'm falling asleep praying to him late at night? Or the 5 second bible reading I do? Don't get me wrong, I went to church every Sunday but does that really define my relationship with Him?

People have always said "the first step to dealing with a problem is acknowledging it" and quite honestly that's the easiest thing for me to do. But that's just it, I was stuck on knowing the problem and not dealing with it. I prayed about it but never gave God the chance to fix it. I was comfortable with my routines, although I knew there was definitely something wrong about them, I didn't want to leave my comfort zone.

Right before I moved back onto campus, my suite mate (who is also my accountability partner here) was telling me how she created an hourly schedule for herself. She planned out when she will sleep, what time she will get up, when she will eat, when she will have qt...etc. I thought "dang that's gonna take a whole lot of effort to keep up..." She wasn't suggesting the idea to me but I already mentally turned it down. Then Monday came and something hit me. "I don't want the past semesters to repeat itself, it's time to really get out of my comfort zones" I clearly pushed God into a corner for most of my college career, it was time to get him out of there. So I sat there for hours and created a schedule of my own.

The orange areas will be my Break/Food/Study time. I found
it difficult to stick to a schedule with that so I left it blank.

This semester I ended up taking only 4 classes (12 credits) which means I have a lot of time to spare. I feel like God made things this way so I can fix my schedule around him. This semester seems to be devoted to my walk with God, I'm finally coming out of my comfort zone of sleeping my day away and waking up early to start my day off with God. Then every night I'm devoting the time before bed to him as well. During the days I have an hour break between classes, I will be reading the book in the picture above (which is amazing btw).

It's pretty amazing how God arranged everything, my quiet time this morning was about breaking out of your comfort zones and really persevering to do God's will. And it was talking about these people who are still being fed milk despite the fact that they should be at the stage of life where they can eat by themselves. In other words, people are still spoon feeding them the bible when they should be at the maturity where they can feed themselves God's words. And it hit me..God's talking about me. It's been 3 years and I still need to be fed the word (maybe its because I spend 5 secs on it every now and then...) Then the book I'm reading spoke about how American Christians have become so comfortable that they are molding Jesus' image to become more like us rather than us becoming more like him because its more comfortable. (Trust me, the book explains it better)

God is definitely raising a point here, before I go out and do all of the stuff I want to do for him, I must first fix what's inside my heart. Psalm 127:1 says "Unless the Lord builds the house, its workers labor in vain." While I'm talking about doing God's will and what not... how am I suppose to do his will if I don't know what it is?

So for all of you suffering the same "its all about me and my comfort" syndrome like I have, maybe its time for you to make a change, maybe its time to make it all about God. What's holding you back?

Coming to Christ

Growing up, I was suffering from depression. I don't remember when it started but I definitely had signs of it during the 4th grade. I wasn't happy with my life but at that age, depression didn't exist..it was definitely not a word in my little vocabulary book. It was during middle school when the symptoms got worse. I turned to cutting myself to make myself feel better. My logic was physical pain is a lot less painful than the emotional pain I was going through. During this time, I prayed to God consistently every night. I asked him "why do i have to go through this, what have i done in my past life that i deserve this punishment, so many people die in a day yet they want to live..i dont want to live but why am i not the one dying?" Every night for 2 years I prayed for him to take me away. Then one night, I just had enough. I didn't want to deal with it anymore and I just wanted to end it right there. I remember giving myself a set amount of cuts before really deciding it was enough like if im gonna cut myself that many times because life screwed me over that many times..what's the point of living? Literally that night was the 2nd to last for the number that I set and I had my mind set on it but this voice inside my head was telling me "theres more to life than this" and I felt like there was something waiting for me in the future but I had no idea what. Over night, my depression/suicide thoughts completely vanished. 

I never thought much about that night until junior year of High School. A few friends of mine wanted to check out this Christian fellowship and I went with them. I still remember that very first meeting I went to, the leaders were talking about how God can change a person in a *snap* and that just reminded me of how I grew up with years and years of depression but it all went away in just one night. People don't just change something they grew up with over night, maybe God was the one who was behind all of it. I became very interested in getting to know who God really is and I started following my president around to every praise night. At one of the praise nights they wanted people to pray with eachother and 2 of my friends reached out to me and prayed for me. I remember breaking down, I couldn't understand why God would save me that night when I was so willing to give away the very life he created..and how he willingly gave up his perfect son to die for the stupid things I've done wrong...I realized just how much he really loved me at that moment and I fully accepted him into my life.
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My testimony definitely doesn't end here. God doesn't just reveal himself to you and walk away. He works continuously with you, molding you into the person he created you to be. Our testimonies will only grow longer and longer as we continue our path in life but this is my story on how I came to Christ. All my adventures after shall be saved for a different post haha 

----------------------kinda tangent but.....---------------------------------------------
I posted about this before but its simply AMAZING how God chooses to answer your prayers. During the time that I've prayed to him (not really knowing who he was) 

I asked him for death (as in literally dying).... and he killed my old self and made me renewed in him 

I asked him to give me a new loving family (let me find out i was adopted and bring my "real" loving family to me).... and he adopted me into his very own (and blessed me with my church family)

I asked him for a forever kind of love (im very insecure, i never feel good enough so i wanted a love that was secure and i know i would never lose).... he revealed his love to me

It's amazing how God answered my prayers but gave me much more than I could've ever imagined. 

Second Chance by Hillsong

You called my name, reached out your hand, 
Restored my life, and I was redeemed, 
The moment you entered my life, 
Amazing grace, Christ gave that day, 
My life was changed, 
Went from my shoulders, fell the weight of my sin

So it's with everything I am, 
I reach out for your hand, 
The hope that changed a second chance I've gained, 
On you I throw my life, casting all my fears aside, 
How could greater love than this, ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts, as I rest in you, 
I'm now in love, with a Saviour, 
Bearing the marks of his love

So I wait upon you now, 
With my hands released to you, 
Where a little faiths enough, 
To see mountains lift and move, 
Yeah and I wait upon you now, 
Dedicated to your will, 
To this love that will remain, 
A love that never fails

Guard your Heart

I started a bible reading plan called "How is Your Heart Today?" a week ago. It was quite amazing how every passage I read related to what I was going through/experiencing right now.

Guarding your heart sounds like a topic centered around love. However the plan emphasized how important it is to guard your heart from all things that can bring you away from God. I think this is the point most people miss, its not always about romance but a lot of things can enter our hearts and destroy our relationships with others. 

Proverbs 4:23 says "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."

I've read this verse many times but failed to see how serious and heavy the words are. "for it determines the course of your life" The conditions of our hearts determines the course of our lives, how crazy is that? Some people may think this is exaggerated and what not but if you really think about it, is it not true? Whatever we hold dear in our hearts really does affect the things we do, the words we say and the values we hold.

The plan compares our hearts to the White House. The stuff that goes on in the White House is so important to our country that people are trained to monitor who and what gets let in and out of it. Every crack, every little tiny bit of detail matters because that's how important the White House and those who live in it are. Our hearts is the temple of God. The Holy Spirit dwells in there, is he not as important as our President? Is he not MORE important than our president? But how often do we actually monitor who comes and goes from our hearts, how often do we check on the cracks and little fallen pieces? 

It's so easy to mess up that little heart of ours. We can do things out of love, receive a bit of praise for it and all of a sudden our pride takes over and everything we do from that point on is self-glorifying rather than God-glorifying. Or how about a boyfriend just innocently going to his girlfriend's best friend for advice on how to make his girlfriend happy and from that innocent friendship develops a deeper connection that can ruin the friendship of all 3 parties. 

Like the plan says it takes attentive care to constantly guard our hearts from things that can harm ourselves and others.

One thing that stuck out to me was the part that says "we must constantly guard our hearts, not just against traps and temptations but by reading the Bible and seeking the Lord in meditation and prayer." This is probably a given for every christian but it is actually really hard to do. But spending time with God is the BEST way to stay away from sin. When you are so well rooted in the word of the Lord, it is much easier for you to say no to satan. It's just like how Jesus used scripture to turn satan down in the desert, thats how we must do things.

Personally guarding my heart is a huge struggle for me. I let everyone and everything in and when cracks start appearing I ignore it until a chunk falls off. But by then, I'm already at a place where a lot of time will be needed before I can fully heal. Because I don't rely on God for most of my struggles, my struggles brought me down and left me in place very far from God. But that's what it took for me to learn my lesson and I'm still in that process of learning and healing. 

Living a Christ centered life may be a lot of work but hey, it's all worth it in the end. Nothing can bring you more joy than God and when you live for him, amazing things happen. 

Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Epic Conference 2013

I was pretty determined not to turn this blog into another diary of mine but I also wanted to share about my struggles and growth as I walk this walk. Living a life for God isn't always going to be all rainbows and sunshine, and what better way to help others relate than to share these real life issues with real life people.

So I recently attended this Conference in New Jersey. I attended the same one last year and I loved it but that wasn't the reason why I came back this year. Quite honestly for a few years now, I had no desire to go to any conference/retreat/praise night. I guess you can say I was falling into a spiritual slump and I had no idea. Just like last year, I rejected my Pastor's invite to attend the conference. There was just too much effort that goes into asking my non-christian parents, effort that requires energy which I did not have. I was pretty far from God at this point, I couldn't feel him when I prayed, I was scared and lost and so very hurt from life.

I am really blessed with a Pastor who truly cares about me though. This year and last, he really encouraged me to go and experience what God wants me to experience there. Both him and his wife reminded me how I need to trust and rely on God rather than myself to get through life's struggles. And, ofcourse, they were right. 

Epic Conference may just be the best thing that's happened to me since I started my college career. There's a unique kind of community there that I can't find within my own fellowship back at Stony.  I look at the students attending and these people actually really care about their campuses and are on fire for God. They come to this conference with their whole fellowship basically and all of them have a genuine relationship with one another. (Some of them flew here from Florida or Kentucky.)

My favorite part of the conference besides the speakers and the people I meet, is definitely finding out the stats for outreach. Outreach is something I am extremely scared of. I'm an introvert for the most part, speaking to people, approaching them and making small talk is all very outside of my comfort zone. But at this conference, we are challenged to go out and reach out to people with the gospel. I stood there extremely nervous and not sure of what I would do, but it's amazing how the second I started approaching people I was no longer scared. It felt almost natural, like it's no big deal. God really does provide us when we do his work and we are all called to share the gospel. Here comes the best part, at the end of the night the MCs would go up on stage and read us the stats for outreach. I literally look forward to the very last stat they read and that is the number of people who came to Christ that day. It didn't matter to me who brought who to Christ, or whether it was the work of our outreach that did it but the very fact that more people were saved, that makes my heart so happy. I understood at that point what the bible meant by people up in heaven throws a party for each newly saved life, my heart was ready to jump out of my chest in joy at that moment. 

I met some really amazing people here. Their love for God shines through them and I am so glad I was able to meet each and every one of them. They were able to help me fight my introvert-ness and really make an effort to step out of my personal bubble to join in on their community. I am really blessed to be a part of Epic and God is so amazing.