Scars

I never actually expected them to make a mark.

I still remember the way the fresh wound looked on my skin, the way it stung; it wasn't a bad kind of pain, it was a kind that made me feel better. It was strange but all I could think of at the time was physical pain hurt a lot less than the ones I felt emotionally. It was an outlet, a desire to run away from life itself in the most ultimate way.

They looked like simple scratch marks that would fade in a few days, or maybe that’s just how I use to see them. But for a few years, they really did fade; I could no longer see the bright pink marks on my wrist. It was as if that portion of my past never existed. However, as time went by I realized that the scars were becoming more and more visible.

For a while, I avoided looking at them. They brought back memories of pain and who I use to be. I was ashamed of that person. The scars were just a permanent reminder of how crappy life was and how much I hated myself.

But that was before Jesus entered my life. My depression made me see him and helped me understand just how amazing he is. The scars took on a different meaning.

It's crazy how quickly we can forget the things we learn in life. Bad situations happen and we freak out, completely forgetting how we got through the prior crap. 

I randomly looked down at my wrist today and I saw the scars again. They look even more visible and it seems like more of them are starting to appear. It's funny how that works; the things we wish to hide always end up being revealed some way some how. Maybe this is the same concept with life.

As we live life, we go through countless experiences where we end up being hurt and wounded. We try to hide these scars by putting on masks in front of people, pretending as if everything is ok. We don't want to show our vulnerability to anyone, whether its out of pride or out of not wanting anyone to worry, we mold ourselves into this person who ultimately is very different from who we are on the inside. Our scars become more visible now than ever because we allowed it to change us. I've seen so many people become cynical and hardened by the hurt that others have caused them to feel. So many of them close themselves off to the world and some even to God.

I won't deny it, I'm one of those people. But today, looking at my scars, I was reminded of why they needed to be there. Had I not gone through all I had been through in the past, I don't know if I would come to understand and see Jesus the way I do today. My experiences made it possible for me to feel his love and the scars on my wrist reminded me of just that. I no longer remember the stories, the reasons behind each scar but I do remember what it brought me to and how I'm no longer ashamed of them.

I am covered in fresh new scars and for the longest time I tried to keep them hidden by hardening myself. The way we interpret these bad things in life greatly affects the way we handle life. Its so easy to get caught up in the mess and forget just how much God loves us. These things don't happen because he wants to see us suffer; he's making use of a bad situation to help us grow stronger in Him. He wants us to rely on him, to turn to him, to speak to him when we're having a hard time. He wants us to find our strength and hope in him. Just like how he carried us through all the crap in the past, he will do so again with the crap in our present and in the future as well. We may not understand why things are happening the way they are right now but everything will fall into place in due time, we just have to believe and trust Him. When we allow these scars to take on its true meaning, we can finally stop tormenting ourselves and be the person God has created us to be.