Winter's Been Over

I walked up to the door of my classroom and instead of walking in, I turned around and retraced my steps back to the bus stop I came from.

It was one of those nights.

There were thoughts processing in my head but I couldn't make sense of any of it. I knew I was thinking but I had no idea what I was thinking about. My heart knew, it felt stuffy and hurt a little, but my unconscious knew better than to allow me to comprehend those thoughts.

The bus brought me to the starbucks in my neighborhood; the sky had turned from a hazy blue to pitch black as the barista made my drink. The coffee shop was full of people and I couldn't find a seat anywhere. It was a cold night but I decided to sit outside; the hot cup of coffee felt nice in my icy hands. I sat there thinking about absolutely nothing, the silence felt good. I needed to get away from all the noise, whether its at school or home or even my annoying thoughts; I was finally alone and away from the world. It wasn't enough though, I was probably there for half an hour or less but my parents were expecting me to be home at a certain time. I was reluctant to leave but I finally got up, threw out my now empty cup and started walking home.

I always look up at the sky hoping to see stars when I'm out at night; I didn't see any that day but a tree caught my attention. It was fully bloomed with white blossoms that glowed like stars on a dark cloudless night. "Wow. Winter's been over," those words popped into my head. This spring has been so cold that I was still wearing the same things I wore all winter; jeans and sweaters, ugg boots and my grayish brown coat. Its not that I forgot the season changed but a part of me wasn't aware that spring had came because of the cold weather I was still experiencing. Seeing the tree full of blossoms, I realized that spring was already here; all I had to do was look up.

There are times in our lives where we feel stuck in a cold winter storm; lost under a pile of the snowy mess life decides to shower us with. We may try to get out but fail along the way and begin to mope in our failure. We lose hope that we can ever leave the situation that we're in. In psychology, that's called learned helplessness and I believe that is usually the reason why we're stuck in our storms. We start believing that our problems are too big to conquer and give up on trying altogether.

Pastor Carl Lentz compared life's problems to mountains in one of his sermons; sometimes, they really can be that big. He said that if we stand at the foot of the mountain and look directly at it, it will fill up our entire field of vision and all we can see is how big this mountain is. There's no end to what we're looking at and there is no hope in getting over it because we can't see a way to get to the other side. He said sometimes we get so caught up by the size of our mountains that we make the silly mistake of never looking up. When you look up, you'll see the vast sky above the mountain top; there is an end to these issues, there is a way of getting over it. God is so much bigger than our problems and all we have to do is turn to him for help. He'll take care of it... He'll take care of YOU. He promises to heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3), he promises to be our refuge and strength (Psalms 46:1). God is a man of his words; all we have to do is look to him for help.

There's hope when we look up and turn to God.
Sometimes, thats the only way we can tell that winter's been over.

Scars

I never actually expected them to make a mark.

I still remember the way the fresh wound looked on my skin, the way it stung; it wasn't a bad kind of pain, it was a kind that made me feel better. It was strange but all I could think of at the time was physical pain hurt a lot less than the ones I felt emotionally. It was an outlet, a desire to run away from life itself in the most ultimate way.

They looked like simple scratch marks that would fade in a few days, or maybe that’s just how I use to see them. But for a few years, they really did fade; I could no longer see the bright pink marks on my wrist. It was as if that portion of my past never existed. However, as time went by I realized that the scars were becoming more and more visible.

For a while, I avoided looking at them. They brought back memories of pain and who I use to be. I was ashamed of that person. The scars were just a permanent reminder of how crappy life was and how much I hated myself.

But that was before Jesus entered my life. My depression made me see him and helped me understand just how amazing he is. The scars took on a different meaning.

It's crazy how quickly we can forget the things we learn in life. Bad situations happen and we freak out, completely forgetting how we got through the prior crap. 

I randomly looked down at my wrist today and I saw the scars again. They look even more visible and it seems like more of them are starting to appear. It's funny how that works; the things we wish to hide always end up being revealed some way some how. Maybe this is the same concept with life.

As we live life, we go through countless experiences where we end up being hurt and wounded. We try to hide these scars by putting on masks in front of people, pretending as if everything is ok. We don't want to show our vulnerability to anyone, whether its out of pride or out of not wanting anyone to worry, we mold ourselves into this person who ultimately is very different from who we are on the inside. Our scars become more visible now than ever because we allowed it to change us. I've seen so many people become cynical and hardened by the hurt that others have caused them to feel. So many of them close themselves off to the world and some even to God.

I won't deny it, I'm one of those people. But today, looking at my scars, I was reminded of why they needed to be there. Had I not gone through all I had been through in the past, I don't know if I would come to understand and see Jesus the way I do today. My experiences made it possible for me to feel his love and the scars on my wrist reminded me of just that. I no longer remember the stories, the reasons behind each scar but I do remember what it brought me to and how I'm no longer ashamed of them.

I am covered in fresh new scars and for the longest time I tried to keep them hidden by hardening myself. The way we interpret these bad things in life greatly affects the way we handle life. Its so easy to get caught up in the mess and forget just how much God loves us. These things don't happen because he wants to see us suffer; he's making use of a bad situation to help us grow stronger in Him. He wants us to rely on him, to turn to him, to speak to him when we're having a hard time. He wants us to find our strength and hope in him. Just like how he carried us through all the crap in the past, he will do so again with the crap in our present and in the future as well. We may not understand why things are happening the way they are right now but everything will fall into place in due time, we just have to believe and trust Him. When we allow these scars to take on its true meaning, we can finally stop tormenting ourselves and be the person God has created us to be.